Final Fantasy Mayhem
by Larkamai
Summary: Aeris come back from the dead, her and Tifa stolen by a mysterious man, slightly tweaked character personalities... welcome to FF Mayhem. Okay. I've got chapter 8 up. I had written it and then the file was deleted, which is partly why it's taken so long,
1. Introductions

DISCLAIMER – Though I wish it, I don't own FF7 or its characters.  
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It is yet another un-eventful day in Midgar as a long figure shuffles down the carpeted path of the mighty Shinra HQ. Even in the stuffy heat, he shows no signs of discomfort in his long white lab coat and boots. Wearing blocky black glasses, and hunched over (due to a horrible car accident), his chestnut-brown hair points in every direction, like a mad-man's should, and his smile is lop-sided.

Enter Hojo of Shinra, the Great Scientist!

His black eyes glitter behind his nerdy glasses, hands entwined and slowly rapping together, as he paces his office, mimicking the actions of a diabolic mind. His office is quite the... precise-looking office, if you know what I mean. White tile, white wall, standard 80 watt light bulb in the stereotypical light-fixture attached to a cord. On one wall, is a bookcase crammed with opaque jars, some with liver, some with right-kidney, and some with spleen. Another wall inhabits yet another bookcase, this one having medical books residing within its mahogany shelves. A poster with the diagram of the human brain takes it's place above, and Hojo eyes it for a moment. Then, crossing the plaster-gray desk full of papers in the middle of the office, he goes past the file cabinets and touches one of his prestigious awards, all carefully framed and hung with care. The awards and certificates all recognize Hojo's life's work, all his achievements and accomplishments documented on paper. Hojo cherishes his awards.

A SOLDIER walks in, wearing standard uniform. "Sir, the DNA transmute is about to begin in Lab 1. The scientists await your instructions."

"Very well." Hojo briefly glances at the SOLDIER, and then shuffles to his desk, hands clasp behind him, and sits down. He starts polishing his name plate: Head Scientist Professor Hojo, PhD in everything Scientific. Then Hojo blinks and comes back to the situation, out of his random daydream of donuts and cows. "Tell Professor Xaemir that he may start the Duplication Generator, and turn on the Force Adjicator,"

"I shall give your instructions to the Professor, Sir,"

"But he is to await any further actions until I arrive. I do not want anything to happen to the specimen or the strand of DNA until I am present."

"Understood, Sir," The SOLDIER bows low, and then walks out the electronic door.

Hojo takes out a ball-point pen, and writes a few notes down on a piece of paper labeled Final Fantasy Mayhem. Then, looking up at the ordinary silver clock above the door, he gets up and shuffles out the door. Ambling down the corridor, he walks into Professor Spleen's study. Silently crossing the distance between him and Professor Spleen, he positions himself behind the Professor, and eyes the cozy room, with varieties of brown hues and warmth, in utter distaste.

"What theorem are you wasting your time to prove now, hm, Professor Spleen? Arctic polar bears are left-handed? Ants always fall on their right side when intoxicated? Or shall I use a spleen-pun? No, you wouldn't appreciate the simplicity of it. Not at all. You know, Professor Spleen, I shall always cherish my original conceptions of you as stupid, blundering, moronic, and lazy. A scientist these days needs dignity and self-respect, of which you harbor none. I wonder what I shall have to do with you... you do realize that your yearly exam is taking place soon... and, of course, it is entirely up to me as to whether or not you continue to reside here. Now then, I have more urgent matters at hand than to hear your respond to my harsh criticism of your work ethnics and simple personality. I have another great achievement to fulfill, another one that doesn't involve you. Farewell, Professor Spleen. And... Number Eighty-Two, on your theorem, it is incorrect."

Hojo then exits the study, and saunters down to Lab 1.

"Hello Professor Hojo! Nice day, eh?" The Canadian patrol man Bawb greets him. Canadian patrol man Bawb is from the far-away planet of Canadia, where ''curling'' rules and you say "Eh?" instead of "Huh?"

"Yes, an excellent day for me to get a promotion," Hojo responds.

"Well, I'll unlock Lab 1 for you!" Bawb cheerfully puts a key-card in the door, and it opens with a clicking noise. Hojo does not attempt to thank the kind man, but strides inside Lab 1.

Lab 1 is a big room, with white tile, white wall, and flat disks of light at the top for decoration. A big metal counter is positioned in the middle of the room with cuffs for restraining people, very similar to what you would find in a classic Frankenstein movie. To the right of it, is a big machine called the Duplication Generator, basically a small chamber formed of metal, with crystal-clear tubes going in and out of it. Many of the tubes connect to the Force Adjicator. The Force Adjicator is formed of four small neon-blue rods all hooked up together, and some metal attached to it to make it look really cool. To the left of the Duplication Generator is a tab with vials full of chemicals, and an opened book.

"Professors," Hojo steals their attention from the big metal counter, on which a girl is strapped to, to his hunched figure. "Today we are gathered here, to carry out my experiment. You are all my witnesses, and now I will explain the procedure to you. In the Duplication Generator, I shall place a strand of DNA. The goal is to regenerate the DNA into a living being. The DNA will be electrified by the Force Adjicator, and, along with a supplement of chemicals, shall be feed into this artificially created body. The goal here, is to successfully transfer the remains of the DNA into this shell, and bring it to life."

"Professor Hojo?" A young man, in his thirties, speaks out. His name is Professor Xaemir. With long lab coat, and spiked red hair, he poses quite the dashing figure.

"Yes, Professor Xaemir?" Hojo asks, irritated.

"Well, I was reading the data journal of a Dr. Jekyll Hyde, who did an experiment similar to this, procedure and all. His creation, he called 'Frankenstein', and it ate the liver, right-kidney, and spleen of everyone in the town. Are you sure that this is an original experiment, and not a stolen one used to waste our times?"

Hojo sighs. "Guards, take this foolish ingrate and lock him in the cell near my study. I need no idiotic questions aimed at the experiment that the President himself asked me to uptake. We commence now."

But Professor Xaemir won't keep quiet. "Professors! Listen to me! He plans on feeding you to his brain child! Sacrificing you to a monster that will ensure the doom of this planet! Your liver, right kidney and spleen will explode in its jaws! I beg of you... to... stand up... against... the tyrant... coconut... squirrel... flibbery... ... grenuyt?"

Hojo turns to Professor Xaemir. "Hm, seems that you have met my brain dehancer, and now your brain has exploded. No more sentient thoughts for you." Then he presses a button. A shiny button that says Start. All of a sudden, a video game appears onscreen. "WHO PUT A GAME CONTROLLER IN PLACE OF MY BUTTON!?" Everyone shrinks from the enraged Hojo, until one man comes up and shows him the shiny button next to the controller. Hojo presses the button with glee, and watches as light from the Force Adjicator feeds into the Duplication Generator which holds a piece of hair. Pouring in some red and pink chemicals into a tube, they flow and join the light energy, which them travels through tubes right to where the specimen lies, lifeless.

All of a sudden, her eyes blink open. "The specimen is alive! The experiment has had dynamic success!" A random scientist shouts.

Hojo walks up to the girl, who is wearing a long pink dress and red jacket, pink flower resting on her chest. He peers past her cropped bangs, the rest of her cayenne-brown hair tied in a braid, and peers at her abnormally green-colored eyes.

Enter Aeris Gainsborough, the flower girl!

"You are Aeris Gainsborough, known as the flower girl, an Ancient that was friends with me before you died. You were going to help me find the Promised Land, and that is your current objective. After months of looking, I found the revival remedy needed to restore your DNA to this body, which has been cryogenically frozen." Hojo feeds the lie to Aeris.

"I remember death... and I remember a face from before. A man with blonde hair like the ass of a chocobo... and an over-sized sword. Who is he, father?" Aeris looks up into Hojo's eyes, remembering nothing else of the past but the face of the man.

"His name is Cloud Strife, and he killed you. You are mortal enemies, no matter what he says."

"Even if he threatens me with apple cider?" Aeris asks, curious.

"Even apple cider." Hojo nods in agreement. "Now, I shall take the chains off of your hands, and your are to go and get examined."

"But I want to remember you, father. Or... at least spend time with you. Can we talk later?"

"Sure..." Hojo responds, a lie evidently there, but unnoticed by Aeris. He unlocks the chains, and Aeris gets up, rubbing her arms and legs, to get the blood flowing.

All of a sudden, a group of heavily armed people burst in. "AVALANCHE IS HEA' TO KICK SUM BUTT, YO!" A dark-skinned and broad-shouldered man jumps into view. Wearing a green vest and cargo pants, he glares fiercely at the scientists, who all flee, the exception being Hojo. "HO'JO! WHAT YOU DOIN' HEAH, HUH!? I THOUGHT WE KICKED YER ASS ALREADY, YO!"

"Well you obviously floundered in concluding your data. Maybe you even wrote down the incorrect data and concluded that." (raucous laughter can be heard from the nervous scientists, following protocol for whenever someone screws up bad on conclusions)

"GRRRRRR!" The black man, with scars on his face and angry demeanor, takes a step closer to Hojo.

(Enter Barret the Gunner, so you know (!))

"Calm down, Barret. Your anger will achieve nothing but fuel Hojo in his insults." In walks an orange-furred beast, cheetah-like in body shape, with a feral smile to match. His red mane, like that of a horse, runs along his spine, and little hair-wraps fall down. Branded on his shoulder is RED XIII. The beast sits down. "I see that Hojo has performed an experiment to revive Aeris back from the dead. Welcome back, Aeris."

Enter Red XIII!

Hojo looks at them with disinterest. "The only member of AVALANCHE and a stupid beast are here to take the flower girl away. How dull. Well, you can fight the guards off for fun, and if they capture you, I will have more test subjects. I would be curious to know the capabilities of that gun you have on your arm, fugitive, and as for the beast, I will be wanting it back again."

"I think not." An un-known voice responds.

(OK guys, a few things. Obviously, the characters WILL be mangled a bit, as is natural in most fanfictions. Also, I hope you enjoy this so far, I promise it will get better as it goes. Um... reviews are appreciated! And I would like to thank Lonewolf Fell for her help in this :) )


	2. Freeing and Fleeing

(Disclaimer – I don't own Final Fantasy or its characters. So go and eat a strawberry and sing One-Winged Angel, okay? Thanks, a lot.)

A young man walks into the scene. He is wearing a purple outfit, complete with black belt, and his hair looks **exactly** like the ass of a chocobo. Pointy and yellow, that is. Showing off his ridiculously long sword by rapidly spinning it with his left hand, and, walking in Hojo's lab, he trips. And falls on his face, and consequently his dignity.

Enter Cloud Strife, the Group Meatshield!

"Ow!" Cloud gets up from the ground, rubbing his nose where it hurts.

"Ah, yes. This is our fellow companion, Cloud Strife." Red XIII introduces.

"AND NOW WE'S GONNA KICK SUM CHEMYCAL ASS!" Barret takes a step forward, and blindly shoots at Hojo. All of a sudden, a golden barrier pops up between Barret and Hojo, and it absorbs the bullets.

"WHO DUN' THAT?!" Barret yells, confused.

"It was obviously Aeris trying to protect Hojo. She has been informed to label him ''Father'' even though they have no blood correlation." Red XIII sits down on his haunches.

"YOU SED WHAT?!" Barret tries to compress his anger, but with his arms violently twitching, he only succeeds in looking retarded.

"I overheard part of Hojo and Aeris' conversation before we entered, if you must know. You do realize that my sense of hearing is far better than yours." Red XIII calmly responds.

"YOU DID?! WELL, WE'S GONNA KICK HOJO'S ASS FER EXISTIN', LYING TA AERIS, ACTIN' SMART, EXISTING... AND... UH... EXPERIMUNTASHION! SAY GOO'BYE, YO!" Barret tries futilely shooting at Hojo once more, but you know that it's not working at all.

"Goodbye? Yes. Goodbye, for I AM HEAD SCIENTIST HOJO! You cannot kill me!" Hojo takes Aeris and drags her from the middle to the room and places her against the wall. Aeris, of course, gives no resistance.

All of a sudden, a loud screech noise is heard, the kind you get when a helicopter smashes into a roof. Which happens, in this case.

"You fool! It was supposed to be the WINDOW! Oh well... come, uh... MAKO EXPERIMENT 142!" Hojo scrambles into the helicopter, as one can only scramble in it right now, and Aeris follows suit. With a loud whirring sound, the helicopter lifts off.

"GIT BACK HE'AH, FOO'! COWARDS! LILY-LIZARDS! SCARDY CATS! CHEECKEN! BAWK BAAWK BAAAWK! ...FOO!" Barret gestures madly.

"I do believe they have departed." Red XIII gets up on his four paws. "Shall we attempt to free any of Hojo's experiments before chasing after Hojo and Aeris?"

"NO! W'GOTTA GO AFTAH _HOBO –_HEHEHE... _HOJO!_ W'GOTTA GO AFTAH HIM AN' AERIS!" Barret swipes his arms around like weapons, and one arm smacks Cloud in the face.

"OWWWWW!" Cloud takes his nail bat and, using it like a mace, swings it low, contacting Barret's shin.

"OWWWWWHOWWWHOWWWWWW! MAMMY! MAMMY! I WANT MAH MAMMY! OWWWWWW!" Barret, clutching his leg and therefore hoping on the other, bounds across the room hap hazardously, and consequently steps on Red XIII's tail.

"Rraow!" Red XIII withdraws his tail and glares icily at Barret. "Please control yourself! My tail has very sensitive nerve endings!" Then he gets up on all fours and walks to the doorway. Looking behind him, Red XIII speaks in a calmer and more controlled voice than before. "I suggest you aid me in freeing Hojo's experimentations." Then he departs.

Tifa, far away from the now-recovering Barret, speaks up. "I vote for Red XIII! Let's go help him out!"

"WE'RE VOTIN'!? WELL, THEN TIFA DON'T GIT T'VOTE! CUZ SHE'S A GIRL, AND GIRL'S DON'T GET NO RIGHTS!" Barret gestures wildly, as always.

"Just because I'm a GIRL doesn't mean anything, Barret!! Euh! And, so you KNOW, girls HAVE rights now-a-days! Hmph!" With that, Tifa storms out of the room to join Red XIII.

"WHA'D I DO NAOW!?" Barret stomps on the floor.

"Sheesh. Barret, sometimes I think I'm smarter than you." Cloud stands up and randomly shows off his victory dance, a nail from his bat digging itself deep into his shoulder. "Ah! ...stupid bat..."

As Cloud and Barret walk out of Hojo's now ruined lab, Tifa's voice shreds the eerie silence."Guys! Come here, quick!" While they race towards the scene, Red XIII can be heard saying, "Quick – find some food for it!"

"WHIT JUST HAPPENED **NAOW**, YO?! WHY'D TIFA SCREAM LIKE A LI'IL GIRL! WUZ IT A BIG, HAIRY OL' SPYDER?!" Barret says, running smack into Tifa.

"No, Barret! Erg! You can be SO mean to me sometimes!" Tifa angrily stomps away from Barret, tears forming in her eyes.

"WHA'D I DO NAOW?! HUH?!" Barret shouts to Tifa.

Red XIII brings attention to an unconscious figure on the ground. "One of Hojo's experiments... it looks malnourished. Cloud, can you hand me the bag of chocolate chips over there?" Cloud follows Red XIII's bidding, and brings the bags, conveniently placed on a near by cabinet, over. Red XIII sniffs the opened bag. "Can you give it a few pieces, please? I'm afraid my paws can't easily grasp those chocolate chips..."

The experiment, after being gently feed a piece of chocolate, wakes up slowly.

"WUZZAT? IS IT A MINI-DAWG? OH! AH KNOW! WE CIN 'AVE _HOT_DAWGS FER DINNER! HMMHMM! YUM!"

The experiment sits upright and blinks at Red XIII. "Good, it is alive. Experiment...-"Red XIII looks at some notes on the cage from which the experiment came out of "-M05X, it is. Hojo was developing a new breed of squirrels, it seems, for he has named this individual a Malabar squirrel. Indeed it does look different from other squirrels..."

Cloud cocks his head sideways. "How does it look different?"

"Don't you see?" Red XIII shakes his head. "Well, most obviously, squirrels do not have black fur with an orange streak from their head to tail-tip. They also do not have white-dipped paws. And, less noticeable is the tail size, which is one and a half times the size of experiment M05X, while normal squirrel tails are much smaller. And, the most subtle things, most squirrels will get food-poisoning from eating chocolate, as well cats and dogs. This squirrel shows no signs of food-poisoning, which is usually evident immediately."

"Whoa... you said a lot..." Cloud blinks, his brain trying to register the mouth-full that Red XIII said.

"Mm. Well, it seems that MO5X is doing well. I wish I knew what his name was, though..."

Barret had been sitting all the while, stumped. "WAIT! THAT THING'S A SKWIRL? YOU IS A LYING' FOO! THEH'S NO SUCH THING AS A SKWIRL!" Barret jumps up, triumphantly. "AND WHY WULD YOU WANNA KNO TH'NAME OF A HOTDAWG?! HUH?!"

Red XIII sighs, and shakes his head. "No, Barret. There are such things as a squirrel. In our first adventure, we encountered 31 or 33 of them, to be exact. And... I would like to know the _squirrel's_ name, because... well, you have a name, right?"

"DUH I GOTTA NAME!" Barret tried to sing that line, being out of gestures, but a window cracks, and Cloud's ears start to bleed. "M'NAME'S BARRET! DUH!"

"I assume you would wish that people refer to you as Barret, and not BQ29, correct?"

"WEILL, DUH! MAH NAME'S BARRET, NOT EKSPIRAHMEINT K-4-M-4-1!"

"So you realize as to why I would want to know the name of Experiment M05X, correct?"

"O CORPSE NOT! HEHEHE... AH MEAN, O'COURSE NOT! WHOCARES 'BOUT SUM ABT29 EKSPIRAHMEINT!"

Red XIII gets up on his paws, and shakes his head. "Never mind.... Where would Cloud and Tifa be? Do you have a clue?"

"OH! OH! AH KNO! CLOUD, HE BE DRINKIN' SUM KE..MAH...KILLS! YEAH! DRINKIN' SUM FUNNY COLAHRED KEMAHKILLS! HEHEHE... KEMAHKILLS BE SO FUNNY!"

"And... concerning Tifa?" Red XIII cocks his head to the side.

"OH-HO! SHE BE CRYING IN TH'CORNAH 'BOUT SUMMAT! SHE... SHE'S A CRY BABY! HEHEHEEE!"

"No I am NOT, Barret!" Tifa walks up to him, furious, and smacks him in the face. "Stop harASSING me, ALRIGHT?!" Then, she turns to Red XIII, and inhales deeply. "Cloud and I freed the rest of the experiments... they are all going to be alright. I think we should go and search for Hojo and Aeris now."

"Hm... that sounds like a good proposal, Tifa." Red XIII gets up on his paws.

"Cloud!" Tifa waves towards Cloud as he comes towards them. "C'mon! Let's go and look for Hojo and Aeris!"

Red XIII looks at Experiment M05X, almost fondly. "Farewell, 'MO5X'. Until the next time.

"So where do you think Aeris might be?" Tifa folds her arms against her chest.

"Probably inside the Shinra Mansion." Red XIII responds. "Now that Hojo's lab is ruined, he'll probably to there to get some instruments."

"INSTRAMINTS? HOJO PLAYS TH'VIOLIN?! WHY WULD HE?! I ALWAYS THOUGHT HE PLAYED TH'FLUTE!" Barret wiggles his arms around as he says that.

"Barret, when Red XIII says instruments, he means experiment-tools." Tifa sighs.

"And... since when do you care about what instrument Hojo might play?" Cloud asks curiously.

"EH... I WULDN'T KNO! AND... SO YA KNO, HE AIN'T NEVAH BIN IN A BAND WID ME! OH NO! I HATED HIM EVEN **AFTER** HE GAVE MARLENE BLUE SKEIN!" Barret stomps around, imitating a Native-American festive dance. Everyone stares at him.

"You... you mean, Marlene has blue skin now, Barret?! And you were in a band with Hojo?! EVEN after he did that?!" Tifa just stands there, completely shocked.

"WELL... AH'M STILL IN A BAND WITH HIM... BUT... I DIDN'T MEAN TO! HE... HE JUST BE SUCH A GOOD FLUTE PLAYAH! AND WID MAH MAD DRUM SKILLZ, WE JUST KNEW THERE WUZ A FUTURE B'TWEEN US! AH MEAN, WHO'S GONNA FED MARLENE?! NAOW ADAYS, SINCE W'LET HOJO MAKE HER SKEIN BLUE FER AN EKSPIRAHMENT, WE GOTS LOTSA MONEY, SO MARLENE DON'T GO HUNGRY NO MORE!"

"Oh my god, Barret! How could you do such a thing to us?! And Marlene?! Imagine her future! You really ARE a mindless beast!" Tifa smacks him in the face again, and then goes inside a near-by elevator with everyone. Barret, is forced to take his own elevator, since he is being temporarily shunned, and also since everyone else would be squished if he was in an elevator with them. The elevator doors closes with a loud ping, and they begin the descent down.

"They're going to the Shinra Mansion? Fools! All of them! Well, I can't expect them to measure up to ME, after all! Hahaha!" A girl steps out of the shadows, in her cargo shorts and green shirt. Adjusting her white headband with her cast-like protected arm, and ruffles her dark-brown hair, sniggering all the while. "The fools! And they don't even realize that they don't have their materia! Hahaha!"

Enter Yuffie Kisaragi, The Great Thief!

Yuffie walks up and snatches an abandoned Ultima Materia, and takes a pricey thing-a-ma-jig next to a half-eaten donut, then prepares to leave. But first, she notices Experiment M05X. "You again? Rotten little squirrel! I know you'll rat on me!" She shoves Experiment M05X in it's cage, locking the door, and laughs. "There you go! NO ONE can stop me, for I AM THE GREAT THIEF, YUFFIE!"

Tifa half skips half walks outside of the Shinra HQ building. "Free at **last**! Whoa! Guys, look! There's a bunch of junk at the curve here!"

"There was a curve in front of the Shinra HQ?" Cloud blinks, lost.

"Actually, that 'trash' is a bunch of highly-rare goods, the kind Materia Lords collect. And these look to be from Shinra Mansion, if I am correct."

No one pays attention to Red XIII's last sentence, because at that exact moment, Clouds shouts, "HEY! A _COFFIN!" _He jumps up and down exited, pointing at the abandoned coffin, with a faded purple border on it. "CAN WE _KEEP IT?!_ CAN WE _KEEP IT?!_ HUH?! HUH?! HUUUUUH?! CAN WE PLEEEEEASE?!"

"WHY WULD WE WANNA COFF'N?! THEAH'S PROBABLY A _DEAD_ GUY IN THEAH, FOO!" Barret lightly shoves Cloud, but that sends Cloud sprawling into the dust. Everyone just stares at him, for the second time that day, as Cloud painfully pulls himself up.

"Ah... _coffins..._ This one, it smells hellish... with a dash of lavender... THAT MUST BE _SOME_ CORPSE! I'VE GOT TO GET IT!" Cloud leaps onto the coffin, and while dragging it, starts to hum One-Winged Angel, as if nothing out-of-the-ordinary is happening.

"Hey... Cloud... I have a bad feeling about this... look – there's a sign on top of the stuff." Tifa points to a big sign saying **_YUFFIE'S TREASURES FROM SHINRA MANSION DO NOT TOUCH_****_ OR ELSE!_** Cloud, Red XIII, and the now accepted Barret pay no attention to her, however, and instead they work together on excavating the coffin from the rubble and dragging it away. "I just know something bad is going to come out of this... oh well. HEY, GUYS! WAIT FOR ME!" Tifa shouts, waving her hands.

-_Fin_

(I hope you guys enjoyed this! Sorry it took so long to put up... ( ). I'd like to thank Lonewolf Fell sooooo much for her help! (again!) And... I know that there are still some main characters missing... just be patient! They'll be here very, very soon! And reviews are always appreciated.


	3. Yuffie's Side Quest

(Eh... disclaimers? You know, if you want a disclaimer, why don't you just go and read the first chapter of this, which you've already done. So... let's all go and eat the organs of those copyright freaks. Alright? Alright! munch munch chew chew)

Yuffie walks outside of Shinra HQ, loaded with loads of shiny and colorful materia. Looking up at the frosty diminishing sunset, she chuckles. "Such a fool... Everyone is **such** a fool... Wouldn't you agree, Vinnie?" She turns around to where Vincent's coffin is, and finds that it is missing.

"Ha! Cloud you fool... If you really wanted my skills so much, you could have asked... oh well! This should be fun! And there's bound to be materia involved in this..."

"Yes. This SHOULD be fun..." A strange voice from afar challenges.

"Wha-?" Yuffie looks around. "Come out and FIGHT be, why doncha?!" She karate chops the air rapidly afterwards, challenging the challenger.

"Give back the Ultima materia. In fact, give back everything you've stolen from me." A man walks out of the shadows. He has a big _pluffy_white coat, carrot colored hair, and an ego bigger that Shinra's reputation.

Enter Shinra President Rufus, come back from the dead!

"Wanna **fight** me?! I'll take you on with only my **fists!**" Yuffie stands in a fighter's stance, shifting her weight between her two legs.

"No. But these three do. Something about 'returning an old favor'... I have better things to do than fight some pompous weakling." As Rufus hops onto a silent helicopter and flies away, three Turks come out. A man with a red ponytail in the center, a bald guy to his right, and a blonde lady to his left, the three advance.

Enter Reno Turks, the alcoholic egoist!

Enter Rude Turks, the bald guy!

Enter Elena Turks, the shy girl!

"I'll fight you one at a time if you want!" Yuffie challenges them, drawing out her shuriken.

"Uh-uh!" Elena walks forward. "_We_ can't dawdle either, so we're going to finish you up quick by meleeing you!"

"Elena!" Rude puts his hand in his face. "You ALWAYS give the plan away!" He sighs loudly.

"Sorry... I didn't mean to..." Elena scuffs the street with her shoe.

"I'll fight you all head on!" Yuffie shouts. "My move first!" Before waiting for an answer, or for the Turks to prepare themselves, Yuffie summons. "Deathblow!" Materia symbols envelope her, and power radiates on the ground, her body the source. Chocobo, with Mog on its back, races into the Turks, and an action bubble appears, the word "**BANG!"** inside it.

"Sneaky, eh? Well, take this!" Reno gets up and attacks Yuffie viciously, followed by Rude. Elena chucks an S-Mine at Yuffie, but nothing happens.

"S-Mine is to flee a battle, idiot!" Yuffie castes Haste on herself, then Fire 3 All on the Turks.

Elena laughs. "We're wearing element-proof vests! That attack just healed us!"

"Elena, you gave our advantage away!" Reno snaps.

"So?! It's my turn now!" Elena flicks her wrist, and a skull and timer appear over Yuffie's head. "Death Spell!"

"Death Spell?! You need to use Death Spell to win?! Well then, I'll fight you when you grow up some more! FOR I AM THE GREAT THIEF YUFFIE!" Yuffie flees the battle, but not before using her Steal attack to subtly take all the Turks materia.

"The littler brat stole our materia!" Reno shouts. "C'mon! Get her before she runs away!" The Turks chase after Yuffie, spurred on by the desire to reclaim their materia.

Yuffie has already sensed that a chase would be in order, so she is already running. She goes into a side street, and heads into a dark and lonely alley. Hopping onto the trash bags, she takes out some rope with a hook at it's end, throws it over the wall of the building, pulls hard to test its safety, and then starts climbing the wall silently.

"Where is she?"

"I don't know!"

"She stole our materia – let's get going."

"I'll take the stores over there!"

"I'll check the alley!"

"I'll wait here, in the road."

Yuffie overhears their conversation. She also hears footsteps entering her alley. Scrambling over the wall and pulling her rope up quickly, Yuffie peers at the Turks, Elena.

Elena picks up trash bags, and guides a flashlight around, but sees nothing. Looking up at the moon, she spies Yuffie from the corner of her eye. "Guys! She's on the roof!"

Rude, on the street, and Reno, just come out of a Materia Shop, race into the alley where they hear Elena's voice. Two rope-hooks are on the ground, and Elena is already climbing hers. "Take the rope-hooks from my pack!"

Reno and Rude do just that, but Rude asks, "Why is it a rope-hook? Shouldn't it be called a Grappling Hook?"

"Well... who cares?!" Elena reaches the top of the one-story building, and the Turks soon after. "Over there!" She points to Yuffie, who had been hiding behind a trash can. Yes, a trash can on the roof of a Materia Store. Yuffie starts running, and jumps over the top of an alley, landing on the building next to the Turks. They follow suit, though Elena hesitates.

"Run, run, as fast as you can! You can't catch **me**, I'm the Great Thief! Yuffie!" Yuffie laughs, and throws an S-Mine behind her at the Turks. Smog spills out, and the Turks drop to the ground, hacking. All of a sudden, one of them turns pink, Elena, and she starts growing, like a balloon does when inflated. Reno and Rude follow suite, but they turn orange. **_BOOOOM! POP! SPLAT!_** The three Turks explode, and bad blood splatters everywhere. As the air clears up and the smog dissipates, Yuffie chuckles. "Now to attend to business..."

Tifa sighs. "Where are we going?! You've been dragging that coffin around for five blocks, and it's going to be night soon!   
"FOO'!" Barret yells, dragging the coffin along eagerly, sometimes so hard that Red XIII and Cloud are dragged after him. "THEAH'S NO SUCH THING AS NOIGHT! THA'S ONLY EIN CEUTSEENS AND SPESYIL PLAYCES! YO!"

Red XIII temporarily lets go of the coffin with his jaws. "Actually, now that the Meteor is gone, we have night time. Don't you ever attend the meetings?"

"NO... I DON'T LIKE THEHM! IT'S SO BOHRING! WHY!? WHY?! WHY KETCHUP?! I LIAKE CATSUP! CATSUP! CATSUP! CATSUP AND DONUTS! CATSUP! CATSUP! CATSUP AND DONU-"

Cloud points to a nearby alley. "Let's go there! It looks comfortable, hidden, and good protection for the coffin! " He starts drooling.

"Well let's hurry up..." Tifa starts quickening the pace, nervous. "Curfew's going to be here soon, and then the Creepers will be out!" She shivers.

"I don't know what a curfew is!" Cloud puts his one available arm up in the air, in mock despair.

"YEAH! WUZ A KURFY?! IZ IT SUM KINDA HAWTDAWG?! A HAWTDAWG WID CATSUP?! AND DEM CWEEPAHS, WUZ UP WID DEM?! I BET WE CULD BEAT THEAH ASS DOWN DA STREET! GIVE'EM SUMTHING TA THINK ABOUT, WHILE THEY RUBS THEYA ASSES! DO YOU GOTTA HAWTGAWG?! AH NEED A HAWTDAWG BAFOR AH GO KICK SUM ASS! HOW 'BUT YOU, CLOUD?!" Barret attempts a jig, but is hindered by the coffin. Cloud, meanwhile, has fallen back into a drooling state, staring at the coffin.

Tifa sighs. Seeing the afternoon rapidly diminishing, she helps pull the coffin now. "A CURFEW is a rule in Midgar. If we are caught on the streets after 7:00, the Creepers will get us! The Creepers are made and managed by Hojo. And they are no push over, Barret – those things kill without mercy or heart!"

The comrades plus coffin make it to the dark safety of the alley, and go as far as they can. Cloud and Barret sit next to the coffin as Tifa and Red XIII make a trash bag wall to hide them from the Creepers.

"SO WHA DO W'DO NAOW?!" Barret jumps up, and then sits down again.

Shh! Barret, quiet! The creepers!> Tifa glances over the trash bag wall, and then drops down. There's a Creeper out early! Shh! Stay still!> Tifa mouths the words, but everyone understands them.

Metal against well-oiled metal come together as the Creeper illuminates itself in the street light across from the alley. Cloud inhales sharply at the sight.

(Hope everyone enjoyed this! And yes, the Turks died. Big whoop. R & R, please! Also, people whisper in this>, and sound effects in this if you are still confused!)


	4. Past Curfew

(A/N: Some people are confused by my writing system, so I've created this little guide to help you. sound effects :: whispering :: "Talking":: _-Thinking- _:: **"YELLING!!" **:: ) This Chapter only: Ninja-Stars (), Hearts ( 3)

The Creeper is as tall as a school bus, and much more deadly. Covered in a steel mixture harder than any ordinary metal, the 5½ foot sphere gives a dull shine in the streetlight. Spider-clichéd legs protrude from it, going up a short distance and then arcing down, like the bangs of an Ancient. Lithe, oiled, and connected by many joints, the six Creeper legs made it surprisingly agile. The foremost of the triplet set of legs are often probing things, and carried in the manner of a Tyrannosaurus-Rex's front paws, but shaped like that of a praying mantis. The sphere contains many grooves, grooves that form shapes and can produce weapons of the Creeper and a sensor indicating movement, sound, and smell that the highly advanced hard drive can interpret.

The Creeper moves forward a few paces in every direction, then moves outside of the revealing light – for Creeper's have better stealth than ninja-thief, and are more intelligent than a mage.

**"CHIIIIIIKIIIIIIN!"** Barret shouts, raising his hand, as if to answer a question. Tifa covers his mouth abruptly, and fumbles for the near-by duct tape in the dark. Silently taping his mouth shut, Tifa looks nervously over the edge of the trash-bag barricade for signs of the Creeper, right as a figure hops on the coffin.

Red XIII looks startled at the shadowy figure, and Cloud is about to attack it, when Tifa sees that it's only Yuffie. They all sigh in relief, as Yuffie positions herself better on the coffin. By chance, Cloud looks up, to see the Creeper forty feet above him, trying to surprise them.

"**RUN!"** Cloud starts dragging the coffin away, and Tifa, Barret, Red XIII, and Yuffie scramble over to help. The Creeper lands in the alley with only the slightest thump, as the 5 stumble backwards in the dark. The Creeper pauses a moment, then raises its scythes, signaling death to all.

"Ah!" Tifa trips over a rock, and falls down. Yuffie quickly pulls her up, and they race after the men.

"To the left! A possible escape route!" Red XIII points with his muzzle, as they take that route. Going down the broad alley, they meet a dead end.

Cloud drops the coffin, and they all stand in front of it, protectively, as the Creeper advances. "Guys, tell me this." Metal claws come out of Tifa's gloves, as she speaks (similar to 'Wolverine' from 'X-Men'). "Tell me – **WHY** the **HELL** do you guys care about a **DAMN COFFIN?**!"

The Creeper calmly comes forward. No one had ever defeated a Creeper; its memory card said so, so it has no fear of the pathetically-armed life forms.

There is a slight thud that doesn't come from the five life-forms, rather, behind them somewhere. An object flies overhead, eclipsing the moon for a brief moment. The Creeper looks up, un-phased but curious. But it is too late. The figure lands on him, and thrusts an arm into the red glass, instantly shattering it. The Creeper mills about – it cannot see, hear or smell with it's sensors broken, and the figure rides it like a cowboy would, minus the undignified whoops and arm-waving.

"Hurry out! I'll distract him!" The strange voice orders the five. And they listen to the stranger, running underneath the Creeper and onto the street. But they've left the coffin behind…

Seeing that everyone made it out the alley safe, the tall figure smashes his left arm into the center of the Creeper's steel sphere, crushing the data chips into thousands of irrecoverable fragments. The red glow behind the Creeper's broken glass shuts off with a dewwww… and a beeping countdown starts.

**5…**

**4…**

**3…**

**2…**

**1…**

**Beebeebeebeebeebeebeebeeeee-**

At the exact moment that the figure leaps off of the Creeper, the Creeper explodes, and golden heat waves illuminate the figure. Arms wide out, and left leg pulled up towards his chest, he is definitely a fearsome sight. Landing on the ground with a thud, debris falls around him. He straightens himself, and walks pass the flaming parts of the Creeper towards everyone.

Long black hair falls down from his read headband, and stirs with the slight breeze that whips up. His red cloak billows about him, held together by a pair of black clasps at his collar. His black gun is holstered and blends with his noire shirt and midnight black pants as his pointy steel boots crunches the dirt underfoot. ('noire' is black in French) His arms, the left one metal, swing in pace with his footsteps. A few more pieces of debris fall with a thunk. The tall figure's hair parts enough for everyone to make out red eyes above the collar, eyes shining with infused Mako energy, making them bright as flames and deep as blood.

Enter Vincent Valentine, angsty Bishounen!

"'**AY! NOW WE'S GOWT A VAMPYRE IN DA GANG! MOBSTAH GHETTO GAAAAAAAANG! LETS GO AN MOB SUM OL' LAYDY AN' BEAT 'ER UP AN' TAKE 'ER MUNEY!"** Barret wriggles around eagerly.

"Vinnie the Vamp?! Here?! Haha!" Yuffie stands on one foot and chucks three Ninja-Stars at Vincent.

Vincent dodges the Ninja-stars by ducking. "What the hell are you doing?!"

But Yuffie doesn't hear, because Tifa hugs Vincent. "You're back! You're back!"

"Euh…" Vincent turns red and peels Tifa off of him. "Why did you… hug me? And I'm not a vampire…"

Cloud comes up and pats Vincent's shoulder. Denial he whispers to the others, shaking his head in pity.

"I heard that, you know. I'm not a vampire." Vincent takes Cloud's arm off of his shoulder.

Cloud ignores him and re-arms his shoulder. "Tut, tut… you are simply too creepy to NOT be a vampire, so you ARE a vampire. Understand? There's also that whole coffin thing… you musta been BORN to be a vampire…"

"Only because of Hojo was I in a coffin, and just because I'm creepy doesn't mean-" Vincent never finishes the sentence. Poor Vincent.

"Shss, shss. We've already permanently labeled you as a vampire, Vincent. It's just the way things have to be. You will be a vampire, forever…" Cloud's voice dropped to a whisper. "ANY ways, back to TIFA… Tifa _Lockhart_ and Vincent _Valentine_. Your names are both romantic, so you probably go together. Anyways, there are a bunch of fan-girls that pretend that you guys get in bed together!" He smiles blankly, oblivious to Vincent's visible wince at the mere mention of sex with Tifa.

"**AY!"** Barret nuggies Cloud's hair, or tries to, anyways. Cloud's hair is unscathed, but Barret's hand is bleeding and has scratch marks all over it. **"A'ENT FAN-GURLS PEOPLE DAT EAT YUU?! TEHDI BEAHS OR SUMTHING?! DOHNUTS?! AH THEY BIG OL' DOHNUTS DAT EAT YUU AAAL OP IN A BIG BYTE?! AH THEY?! AH THEY?! AH THEY???!!!"**

"No Barret" Red XIII walks up. "Fan-girls are… crazy about us. No idea why, though. I've even heard rumor that they make 'webs' about us, and drawings of us doing really scary things… But they are not donuts, and they are not teddy bears, Barret. Fan-girls are, however surprising this is, humans. Girls, of course, but humans."

"Hey! Maybe, if they like us so much, they'll give us Materia!" Yuffie chucks more Ninja-Stars, at everyone.

After they dodge all the Ninja-Stars, Tifa comes up to Vincent. "Well, with _Vincent _here, we'll get _lots_ of materia... 3." Tifa embraces Vincent, her face against his chest.

Vincent peels Tifa off once more. "I'm sorry Tifa – but this has to stop. I can not love you."

"What? I… don't get it…" Tifa looks at him, confused, and comes closer.

Vincent puts his arms out, stopping Tifa from coming closer. "You think… that we are in love. But that is only your imagination that says that."

"I… I still don't get what you are saying…" Tifa looks right into Vincent's eyes this time.

Vincent sighs. "Basically… I'm… taken." He hates saying it, because it's only _his_ imagination.

Tifa blinks, tears forming, and runs away, crying.

"Thank goodness THAT awkward situation is over. Tifa's crazy about Cloud, so she must have met up with one of those demented fan-girls." Red XIII gets up (I know he always does that xD). "We have been side-tracked immensely – we must go and rescue Aeris now."

"Aeris? Sephiroth killed her…" Vincent looks at Red XIII.

"**SHE'S A ZOWMBY! AYRIS IZ A ZOWMBY! AN' UNDEAD ZOWMBY!"** Barret fires his gun randomly, Vincent and Red XIII dodging the bullets.

After Barret calms down, Red XIII speaks up. "Aeris is NOT a zombie, Barret." He then turns to Vincent. "Hojo brought Aeris back to life. We are going to rescue her from him."

"Hojo…" Vincent says the word like a curse that has ruined his entire life. "Yes – we must hurry to Aeris – who knows what kind of experiments Hojo would want to perform on a Cetra…?"

Red XIII's ears perk. "Can you hear that? Sounds like 3 people – one with a drunken voice, another with a squeaky voice, and the last with a low grumble-like tone…"

"**DA TURKS AH CUMIN'! DA TURKS AH CUMIN'! 'ELP! 'ELP! 'EEEELP! DA TURKS AH CUUUUMIIIIIIN'!!!" **Barret panics, running around in a circle with his arms up in the air.

"Guys, the Turks are dead." Yuffie puts her hands on her hips, and Barret freezes himself in place, and slowly turns his head so he sees Yuffie. "_I_ killed them_ all_ by _myself. _I even saw them explode into tiny bits. Do you think I would lie about that?!"

"Quite frankly, yes." Vincent looks directly at Yuffie.

"Here they come…" Red XIII warns, prepared to attack. Two drunken friends appear, singing a song (A/N: to the tune of Spongebob Squarepants)

"**Whoooo lives in an apple**

**Way up in the skyyyy?**

**Beeeeeeerman!**

**(He can fly!)**

**Drunken and hung-over**

**And smokin' a pack –**

**Beeeeeeerman!**

**(I'm surprised he's intact!)**

**And what does this high-flying**

**Superhero wish?**

**Beer! Beer! And more than a swish!**

**BeeeeEEEEeeeerman! bleep**

**BeeeeEEEEeeeerman! bleep**

**BeeeeEEEEeeeerman! bleep**

**We aaaaal looooooove **

**BeeeeEEEEeeeeEEEEeeeerman!**

**BEERMAN BLEEP YEAH!"**

One of the drunken pals stumbles onto Vincent. He has ruffled blonde hair, aeronaut-goggles, and alcoholic breathe. He has a blue shirt and dark-green cargo pants. He laughs and stumbles, off-balance a bit.

Enter Cid Highwind, Aeronaut of a Thousand Bleeps!

The other drunken pal is a Mog. Rather, a cat on a robotic Mog. The cat has black fur with a white belly and paws. The cat has a small red cloth tied at it's neck, and a fake gold crown ready to fall. The cat sits atop the big-footed white Mog, and moans. "Euh… my HEAD…"

Enter Cait Sith, group Backstabber!

"Allo, Vinnie." Cid walks into him. "I'm zing drunk…"

"_You're_ taking care of _Cid!_ " Yuffie points at Vincent.

"Why me?" Vincent sighs, already getting ready for Cid.

"**CUZ YOU IS OUAH (our) SLAYVE!" **Barret screams.

Everyone shifts their eyes. Red XIII coughs. "What Barret MEANT to say, was that vampires make good… caregivers."

"I'm not a-" Vincent gets interrupted by Cloud, who has just run into the scene. Panting, one arm on his knee, the other raised slightly to indicate he wants to talk. "Tifa's pant missing…."

Everyone stares at Cloud, mouth open, except Vincent. A squirrel spies on them with binoculars from atop a far away shop.

(A/N sorry this took so long! But it's up! I would, of course, like to thank Lonewolffell (tired 'bout this by now, eh?) for helping me with his.

Hehehe… euh, you might have been confused by the **_"Sounds like 3 people – one with a drunken voice, another with a squeaky voice, and the last with a low grumble-like tone…" _**Well, we all know that the drunken voice is Cid. The squeaky and low-grumble-like voices are Cait Sith. Me 'n' Fell like to read the dialogue bubble aloud (**NOSTALGIA! YEAH**!) and we have Cait Sith have the squeaky, and Mog the grumbly. Together, added with our talented voice-acting, it blends for a horrid voice that could kill a bird.

Also, there are a few running bits, if you haven't yet noticed, which are donuts and squirrels ( 3). Don't ask about the donuts, it was random. For the squirrels… I love 'em. **_ 3 3 _**!

AND, in this fanfict, I will make charrie-couplings BLATANTLY obvious. This isn't a Ticent fanfict, (Tifa Vincent) but a parody of it.)

"**NAWT A VAMPYRE, FOO'! VINCEN'TS NAOWT A VAMPYRE!!!"** Barret runs in, arms up, screaming This is ALSO a parody – Parody of Vincent being a vampire. Also, nobody knows that Vincent has feeling for Lucrecia. (They don't really know anyways, but oh well!) **R&R, YO!)**


	5. Hojo's 'Tragic Tale'

(I do not own the plot/characters/copyright/STUFF for Final Fantasy and The Matrix series. Yes, I did say 'The Matrix'. And remember: sounds whispering "Saying" **"SHOUTIN'!!"** ­–_thinking- _R&R! )

Hojo smiles to himself. Cloud will never think of finding him near the black pit where the Temple of the Ancients once stood. And Aeris is following him like a blind dog (**Where** does that term com from?!), taking his hand, trailing behind, or just at his side.

"What are we doing here, father?" Aeris comes up to Hojo, who is sitting down in a metal chair in the small kitchen of their cottage/lab.

"We are conducting experiments on you, Aeris." Hojo says, disinteresting.

"Oh, are those good?" Aeris clasps her hands together, curious.

"Yes, they are. Now I need a little time alone, Aeris." Hojo gets up and tries to straighten his back, hunched over due to a horrible car accident over 25 years ago… "I shall be resting in my room. Please wake me up at 2 o'clock sharp. The experimentation shall commence at 15:00." Hojo shuffles out of the room, and into his bedroom, a sparsely decorated place with a bed and nightstand.

Placing his glasses on the nightstand, Hojo drifts asleep.

_Waking up, Hojo looked around. He was in his suite in the Shinra HQ. Getting up, he dressed into one of his 47 lab coats, and fumbled a moment for his glasses. Taking a scraggy comb and combing his hair, Hojo took a look in the mirror for a moment. "Oh yes, today is 'casual day'… I sincerely hope that I get to pickle the organs of those on that horrid 'Shinra Social Spiff-ups __ Committee'…" Hojo grabbed a hair band and ponytails his hair behind him. "Casual enough…"_

_Hojo placed his arms behind his straight back, and slowly shuffled out of the door. (Yes, if you haven't noticed, this takes place in the past now… )_

_Walking down the carpeted hallway, Hojo entered his lab. "Lucrecia – how is experiment M92?"_

_"M92?" A tall girl confirmed, hands held together. She had long light-brown hair in a ponytail, and wore a lab coat like Hojo._

_Enter Scientist Lucrecia, Memory of the Past!_

_"M92 reacts neutrally to Nitrogen and positive to Oxygen, Carbon, Sulfur, Chlorine, Selenium, Bromine, and Astatine." Lucrecia nodded._

_"Very well. We need to now conduct an experiment seeing how it reacts to the Noble gases – Helium, Neon, Argon, Krypton, Xenon, and Radon. Also Ununquadium and Ununhexium." Hojo watched Lucrecia scribble down notes._

_"What shall we call him?" Lucrecia looked into Hojo's eyes. (I hate saying that kind of ''looks into eyes" stuff, but for this… it seems… fitting)_

_"M92, of course. That's its name. Mako Experiment #9292, shortened to M92." Hojo checked on some ameba cells in a Petri-dish. (Yes, Sephiroth is the 9,292nd Make experiment Hojo has performed, and that was 30 years ago… Oo) _

_"But when I give birth to him… to M92. What about… …Pheiro...?" Lucrecia's voice drifts off. (Pheiro pronounced Fear-Oh)_

_"Well, I suppose he must have a name besides M92 at birth." Hojo reluctantly agreed. "I guess Sephiroth will do. Don't forget to consume those folacid pills tonight" Hojo paused, thinking about something, and then shuffled out of the lab, leaving Lucrecia behind. _

_He went to a near-by door, and stood behind the shoulders of a red-headed professor, oblivious to Hojo's presence. Hojo read the paper that the man was working on, and sighed. "Xaemir… Xaemir, Xaemir, Xaemir… Professor Xaemir, may I ask how you plan to degrade yourself in front of the Scientific Congregation this year? Using Polynomials and the Mu-Factor of Gravity to prove the existence of an unidentified area with unimaginable quantities of radioactive energy? You really give yourself a bad name." _

_Hojo wrote Xaemir's formula down on a piece of paper. "So you steal my theory of Monomials and the G-Force of the Mu-Factor to find the existence of radioactive energy? It's also known as Mu-Factor to find Mako-infested land, and you can read about it in my to-be published book, Mu-Factor, Mako, and Me, out in September , Xaemir. And you wish to steal it all. You want my hard-work. Guards. The Duct Tape, please." Hojo smiled triumphantly as four guards walked in, duct tape in hand. Lifting Xaemir a foot off of the ground, they taped his arms, legs, neck, and torso to the wall, along with taping his mouth shut._

"_I think I shall take what is mine, now, and leave you to starve." Hojo walked out of the room, formula and papers in hand. After formulating a design from the plans, he put them in his office, and went to the President of Shinra Corporation. (We'll call him Lordius. xD) (Lordius is Rufus' father, so ya know!) _

_Lordius was sitting in a purple chair at one end of a ridiculously long conference table, Heidegger and Bawb the Stick-Figure at his sides. (Bawb is a 2-Dimensional stick figure. xD) (And I'm going to get Heidegger's accent wrong.)_

"'_AY! It's 'Owjo! Ahahahaha! Lordius! 'Owjo's heah!" Heidegger slammed his fists on the table as he laughed._

"_Shaddup, moron." Lordius took a cigar out of his pack, and lit it._

_(Lordius is kind of like… the head of a Russian Mafia, to pardon our Russian friends out there. I had fun writing this ) _

_"Haha… ha… hehe…" Heidegger slowly stopped laughing, and his arms slowed down in sync with his voice._

_Lordius turnned to Hojo. "So Eye see yew 'ave paid us a lit-tle vizit, Hojo. What do yew got that would be of iynterest to me?" _

_Hojo momentarily eyed an unusually silent Bawb, and then turnned to Lordius. "Mr. President, I have formulated a theory as of late: Using Polynomials, Monomials, and the Mu-Factor to locate Radioactive Energy. I like to call it The Universal Law of Mako."_

"_Ma-ko, ey?" Lordius coldly eyed Hojo, as he did everyone, a glimmer of interest in his eyes. "Explayn this Law of Ma-ko to me…"_

_Hojo clearred his throat. "Mr. President, You use the mathematical system of Polynomials and Monomials to determine the mechanical advantage of the radioactive waste needed, and then use my handy Mu-Chart to determine it's location.I'm currently building a Mu-Remoding Locater, a machine that will register your calculations and pinpoint a desired location."_

_Everyone stared at Hojo, and he sighed. "Mr. President, BASICALLY, using a machine I'm building and some math, you can figure out where plenty of Mako is."_

"_Now that's sumthin' Eye cin use t' my advantayge. How much does et cost, and how lowng?" Lordius looked at Hojo expectantly._

"_Mr. President, It should take a week and is approximately 9,998,073 Gil. The Muf-Remoding Locater is 5 stories tall, and as wide as 3 semi-trucks length-to-length." Hojo… inhaled some air. (xD Sorry…)_

"_Gud. This heah sleip will gi-ve yew the muney yew need. BUT –" Lordius dropped to a more serious tone, if that was possible. "Yew haff wun hour tew pick upp tha muney, othawise, it will go voyd." Lordius presented Hojo with an orange permission slip._

"_Thankyou, Mr. President – I will go right away, if we are done…" Hojo exhaled._

"_You are dismissed, Hojo. I expect to see some work later today." Lordius closed his eyes, as Hojo walked out of the door, barely able to contain his evil glee. _

_Lucrecia walked out of the lab, and came up to Hojo."How did the meeting go with the President?"_

"_The President is funding my new project, on The Universal Law of Mako – we'll be able to do lots of new things soon, Lucrecia." Hojo smiled wickedly._

_Lucrecia smiled back. "You are such a great scientist Hojo – to come up with a great theory in less than a day and get it funded at the same time! I sometimes wonder what your limits are…"_

_Hojo nodded. "Keep an eye on the experiments while I am gone – I'm going to pick up the Gil right now." _

_He shuffled to a convieniently near-by elevator, and pressed the button. When the doors openned with a slight ding he ambled inside it. The doors closed behind him silently, and an AI voice pipped up. (AI artificial intelligence, foo'! ) _

"_Hahllo!" It had the sound of an eager and preppy person that was 'like, totally' ready to do business. "What, like, flahr, do ya wanna go to?" It sounded as if the android voice was chewing gum._

_Hojo straightened himself, and placed his permission slip inside a deep coat pocket. "Level One, Prefecture 8G. No lifts."_

"_Like, totally, I'll bring ya to like, Level One, like, Prefecture 8G! By tha way, my name's like, ECXEmily, Emily fer short, yeah. And, if ya like, dig my elevator style, like, ya got ta vote for me, at 911-ECX-EMILY, so I beat that annaying bitch, Stehfinny. Like, if ya do, like, thanks. 3" (pretend the AI is a teen, k? it should help)_

"_I would not support an android AI that can not speak with proper grammer." Hojo calmly replied. " 'Got' is not a word. Saying 'You should vote for me at…' or 'It would be great if you voted for me at…', would show proper grammar, something that an artificial intelligence should have programmed."_

"_Ya like, got a point, man. An', like, what's yer name, man?" The obnoxious chewing noises continued._

"_Hojo" Hojo replied simply._

"_Nice ta meet ya, Hojo… " The android waited for his last name._

"_I am known as Hojo, The Supreme Head Scientist of The Planet, The Great and Almighty Achieving Inventor, Great Physicist and Mathematician, Fabled Winner of The Perfect Scientist Award of Supremeness, title created by me! " Hojo smiled smugly, knowing that half the things aren't true._

"_Well," The android was STILL chewing the gum. "Nice ta meet ya, Hojo, The Supreme Head Scientist of The Planet, The Great and Almighty Achieving Inventor, Great Physicist and Mathematician, Fabled Winner of The Perfect Scientist Award of Supremeness!" _

_The elevator went on. "I like, think ya need some like, elavat'r music. La-la la-la-La-La laaaaaaeeeeeh La-la la-la-La-La laaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiii La-la la-la La-La laaaaaaeeeeeh Laaaa la-la-la Laaaaaaa-"_

_Hojo interrupted the android voice. "If you would be willing to play a more classical piece, like Rachmaninoff's Symphony No. 2, then I would gladly open my ears to it." _

_The android voice then attempted to sing Rachmaninoff's Symphony No. 2: "Laaaaaa lalalalalaaaaiii liiiiiiiiuuuuu leleleleeaaaaaa lalalalaaa la la-la laaaa–"_

_Hojo interrupted the horrible cacophony. "Stop it." He walked out of the then-opened elevator quite eagerly, as a human-like robot floated up. _

"_What. Is. Your. Des-tin-a-tion. Sir. Security. Robot. Speaking." It sputtered, swinging around in a circle, 'head' lying limp, resting on its 'shoulders'._

"_I am leaving the Shinra building to pick up fundings for my latest project, Experiment R4985 – It is your inventor, Hojo, The Supreme Head Scientist of The Planet, The Great and Almighty Achieving Inventor, Great Physicist and Mathematician, Fabled Winner of The Perfect Scientist Award of Supremeness." Hojo briskly walked off, leaving the bow-ing robot behind._

_Even though it was only mid-afternoon, the skies of Midgar were dark and suggesting a heavy storm. Hojo winced slightly at the bright street lights overhead, as he maked his to the bank, less than a three-minute walk. _

-This is going as planned. I will build the machine, find the Mako, and become greater than Professor Gast **ever** was! All I need is to get to the bank and get the Gil…-_ (Hojo is thinking, foo'!)_

_Smiling to himself and closing his eyes, Hojo crossed the street, thinking of all the experiment rules he will be able to twist and break…_

_BAM SCREEEEEE_

_(Random people will be talking now) _

"_Oh my god! Is he okay?" _

"_He looks dead… I dunno…" _

"_RUN AWAAAAAAY! Who **knows** where its been!"_

"_Shuttup! Call an ambulance! Quick!"_

"_I wanna donut, mommy!"_

"_No, dear, but look! The old man's bleeding to death!"_

"_Where's the ambulance, people?!?!?"_

"_Ay! E works fer Sheenreh! Uh new! We's gunna git eaten bah sum rabeed an' ungreey skwerrels! Oh 'elp, mercy 'elp! 'Elp, mercy on us, Almoighty God, 'Elp us! Mercy, Mercy, Mercy, 'Elp, 'Elp, 'Elp! Ev'ry wun, we gotta call Lahdee Luck! Speak ta the umbrillas, send tha clothes to the poles! We got to git sum good mercy goin' now, peoples! Where's the peanuts! We need peanuts! And the salad dressin'?-"_

"_SHADDUP!"_

_A loud thunk is heard._

_Whreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooooooooooooowww_

"_A siren! The trained medical professionals are coming!"_

"_You mean, the hired sport jockeys that CALL themselves trained medical professionals?"_

"_**AY! DON' BE DISSIN' NO DOWCTORS! THEY GAVE'S ME A METAL BUCKET FER A FUT AN' A LOLLYPAWP YESTURDAY!" **(That's intended to be Barret's father… Oo… yes, the stupidity runs through the family)_

"_Move! Authorized and Trained Assitant to Medical Professionals (ATAM) coming through! We've got a live to save, people – Holy **shit** is that bad…."_

-Euh… what's… going on… everything… black… voices… pain… euh…-

"_Yeah.. dunno if he'll make it. Oh well… us doctor's gotta job to do! sniff"_

"_Nod-DEH, Bowrt. (Bert) I wouldn't want MY torso severed in two halves by a coff'n that has 3 foot long, sharp, vicious-looking, barb-like spikes on the sides…-" "It's a casket" "-Whatever… oh GROSS, look at those organs…."_

_Hojo drifted into consiousness, and his eyes flickered open. There was a lot of pain and the clothes he was wearing matched the cheap wallpaper in the room. Tubes were everywhere, in his **skin, **wires were attached to him, and everything was quiet. _

-I am in a hospital….-

"_Hello Hojo." A deep voice spoke out, and its owner stepped into Hojo's view. He was bald, wearing sunglasses and a full-body coat. "Welcome. …To the real world." He sais it with no tone or emotion._

"_The real world?" Hojo blinked. _

"_Yes. You have been living in 'The Midgar'." The man said it with a slight tone of amusement, ironically. He also annunciated 'The Midgar' with emphasis. _

"_Of course I live in Midgar, Shinra is there!" Hojo scoffed the man._

"_I forget how little you know. 'Shinra' is a company secretly controlled by robots. They created a world of illusion, called 'The Midgar', and feed off of the heat energy that humans make. You found out too much, and they tried to eliminate you. But it didn't work. So now, you are here, in Zeyeon." The man nodded slowly, and Hojo realized then that he had never yet left the shadows._

"_Excuse me." The man slightly bowed, appoligetically. "I've forgotten to introduce myself. My name… is Morpheus."_

"_Wait a second…" Hojo thought a moment. "I've seen this before, in a movie. 'The Vertex'. Don't play mind games with me. Why am I here?"_

_Morpheus stepped into the light. He was wearing surgeon clothes. "Sorry!" He grinned. "I couldn't resist the rip-off, I apologize. I'm your surgeon, Morphh Eyuss, and I operated on you three days ago. You know those cars that deliver caskets for funerals? Well, you were hit by a semi-van full of them. They spilled out and your organs exploded, internally of course. Lucky for you, we arrived at the scene shortly after, and I was able to replace your horribly damaged organs with chemicals. Your blood too! Isn't that great!"_

"_So I'm made of chemicals…" Hojo pondered a moment. He had always wondered what life would be like, his body consisting of chemicals. Hojo narrows his eyes. "What KIND of chemicals…"_

"_Oh, THAT?" Morphh Eyuss smiled disarmingly. "We put in Yttrium, Manganese, Bohrium, Dubnium, Berylium, Thorium, Kerkelium, Gallium, and Boron. We currently have a shortage of chemicals, so instead of giving you just Manganese, we had to add the rest in." Morphh Eyuss nodded. "Oh! There's something I've forgotten to mention!"_

_Hojo narrowed his eyes so much, that he couldn't see very well. "Is it about my organs…"_

"_Yes." Morphh Eyuss sighed. "Hehehe… the chemicals made an… alteration in you… a mutation, if you will, however slight it may be. We appear to have combined the wrong chemicals…-"_

"_I noticed." Hojo butted in._

"_Yes," Morphh Eyuss looked away from Hojo. "Well…you will have problems walking for the rest of your life. Your spinal column was crushed, and is consequently crippled. We can realter your name to 'Hojo Hunchback' to better suit your life, if you wish." _

"_Oh, that is alright. I can give myself surgery – afterall, they don't call me Hojo the Great Surgeon for nothing. chuckle" Hojo closed his eyes._

_Morphh Eyuss twiddled his thumbs. "The problem is irreversible…"_

"_WHAT?!" Hojo never was able to finish his berating of Morphh Eyuss (who himself died of a car accident the next day), because Lucrecia walked in._

"_Hojo! You are covered in bandages! Will you be alright?!" She rushed to his side in concern._

"_Yes, I am well, Lucrecia. How is M92? Have you been taking the folacid pills every night?" Hojo propped himself up._

"_M92 is doing well, also." Lucrecia smiled happily. "And I have been taking the folacid pills every night, following the instructions on the box. When will you be let out of the hospital?"_

"_In a few days, Lucrecia." Hojo spied a nurse eavesdropping on them, and she fled at his glare._

"_Okay." Lucrecia's smile widened, if that was possible. "I'll let you catch up on your sleep." She left the room, her long hair swishing side-to-side in its ponytail._

_Walking out of the hospital, Lucrecia called a taxi over, and it brought her to the Shinra HQ, five blocks over. Lucrecia took an elevator, and voted for the sweet AI she meet, Stefinny, because it was such a nice sounding android. _

_Cheerfully going down the hallway at Hojo's level, she went inside her nice little office room. It was a simple room, a wooden desk and chair, some paper and a pencil, and a cabinet. There were some frames of her scientific achievements on the wall, simply there for inspiration and comfort, not to show off to her colleagues._

_Ontop of her cherrywood desk was a vase full of fresh-picked roses, bloodred, with a pale one in the center._

"_Oh?" Lucrecia slowly walked up to the bouquet of roses, and noticed a scarlet card. The card reads:_

_From: Vincent Valentine_

-Oh, how thoughtful of Vincent to get Hojo flowers.- _(Lucrecia thinkin, foo'!)_

_Lucrecia smiled, her head cocked slightly. _

_-------------------------------------------------------_

(A/N to the Chapter: AGAIN, THANKYA LonewolfFell. A bit of clarification – the ''Noble Gases'' listed are real. You can find them in the Table of Elements. Ununquadium and Ununhexium ARE real elements. Yeah. Bawb is a random person – I wanted to put Scarlet there instead, but this is 30 years ago. Vincent was NOT yet experiment on (since that happened after Lucrecia's death) and Lucrecia is 7 months pregnant with Sephiroth.

The reason I did this little thing was basically to explain why Hojo is made of chemicals (inside joke between me, lonewolffell, and Aceles). Also, it's a little ''A Day In The Life Of Hojo" Thing, for those of you that don't read updated summaries. (xD Yeah, I update my summaries for chapter… tidbits)

Yeah, Hojo wasn't able to get his money, so Bawb started building a pancake machine. But it would take 40 years to build, so when Scarlet comes in, Rufus welcomingly… welcomes the Sister Ray. The President of Shinra is Rufus' father.

I hope that there is no confusion; I just thought that I would do this fun little thing for everyone. Chapter 5 is underway, so you know! R&R people!)


	6. Carpools and Airjacks

(I do no own FF7, its characters, or anything of the sort.)

Since you might have forgotten what has been happening in real time to everyone… it's time for… A FLASHBACK SEQUENCE (!!):

"_Allo, Vinnie." Cid walks into Vincent. "I'm zing drunk…"_

"_You're taking care of Cid! " Yuffie points at Vincent._

"_Why me?" Vincent sighs, already getting ready for Cid._

"_**CUZ YOU IS OUAH (our) SLAYVE!" **Barret screams._

_Everyone shifts their eyes. Red XIII coughs. "What Barret MEANT to say, was that vampires make good… caregivers."_

"_I'm not a-" Vincent gets interrupted by Cloud, who has just run into the scene. Panting, one arm on his knee, the other raised slightly to indicate he wants to talk. "Tifa's pant missing…."_

_Everyone stares at Cloud, mouth open, except Vincent. A squirrel spies on them with binoculars from atop a far away shop._

The squirrel stashes the binoculars and leaps off of the roof, to land neatly on the ground with a small thump. It scampers up to them, and starts squeaking at Yuffie in a high-pitched… squeak.

Yuffie patiently listens, and then turns around. "This squirrel says that Tifa was taken by a man in a cape, his name started with a 'D', and all he cares about is himself… who could that be?"

"How can we trust your interpretation, or even the source?" Red XIII stretches and sits down.

Yuffie glares at Red XIII. "I am the GREAT THIEF YUFFIE! What would you expect?!"

"Well," Vincent walks towards Yuffie, noticed for the first time, "We can at least narrow it down from here – any leads are better than none. We also know that Hojo didn't kidnap Tifa, which is good… but bad at the same time."

"Than le'z git outta Meedgar!" Cait Sith exclaims. "We've bin in Meedgar fer 5 whole chap'tahs, an' we haven't fownd Aeris yit!"

"YEAH!" Is the unanimous agreement, unless Cid's gargling is a 'no'.

They walk away from the alley and coffin near Shinra HQ, and head towards the exit.

An excited fan-girl squeals in delight at the empty coffin. "I can use this for my Vincent cult-shrine! Too bad it's not Vincent's…." She tries to lift the coffin and caress it to her chest, but the fan-girl is too small, and is forced to drag the coffin slooooooowly along.

"I've got the duct-tape…" Cloud says, in a bribe-y voice coated in honey. He holds forth… a roll of duct-tape, and everyone groans in despair. They've finally made it to the exit of Midgar! (w00teh!)

"Must we degrade ourselves once again?" Red XIII sighs.

"Not the DUCT TAPE…" Yuffie whines.

"Here we go again…" Vincent mutters, preparing to wince from Barret's onslaught of high-pitched protesting.

"**AH DON' WANNA BE TAYPED TA CLOWD'S BAYCK – Y'ALL SMOOOSH MEH INTA A TAYNY LI'L BAWLL AN' CUVER MEH IN DOOCT-TAYPE, JUS CUZ… CUZ… AH 'AVE BIGGUR BOWNES THAN Y'ALL DO! IT AIN'T FAYR! WHAY NOWT TAYPE EVURYWUN TA LI'L OWLD BAWRRET HEAH – NOBUDY'S GOWT TA BE SMOOOSHED INTA A LI'L TAYNY BAWLL, COVAHD EIN DOOCT-TAYPE, LAIKE AH DOOOO! WHAY'S EET ALWAYZ CLOWD THAT GITS EVURYWUN TAYPED TA HIM?! EET JUST AIN'T FAIR NO MORE, JUST AIN'T FAIR! sniff AN'… AN' EEF AH WUZ GWOUP WEADAH (**leader)**… THIN AH WULD DO A BITTER JOWB… AH WULDN'T EVIN MAKE YE GIT TAYPED TA NO ONE!"**

"C'mon guys, it's in our gaming contract…" Cloud waggles a finger at everyone, and then tapes them to his back. Loud snap sounds can be heard, almost as if their bones were being crushed… Ha… hahaha... ha…?

Cloud boldly walks past the napping Shinra guards at the door, and enters the world map. There is a large sworlp noise, as his bones are rearranged to present… COLOSSAL CLOUD, THE GARGANTUAN GIANT, BIGGER THAN ENTIRE TOWNS! Colossal Cloud sees the Highwind docked on a nearby rise, so he heads for it.

Hojo wakes up. "Stupid dreams… That one about cutting up President Lordius as Jenova WAS interesting, though…" He puts his glasses on the bridge of his nose and notices the clock.

"**AERIS?! IT'S 14:41:27! YOU LET ME OVERSLEEEEEEEP! GIRL, COME HERE NOOOOOW!"** Yes. Hojo is angry. Reaaaal angry.

And silence answers Hojo, making him even more enraged, as he storms out of the room. "AERIS?!" He searches the house for her, and notices signs of a break-in. Also, her red vest is on the floor, looking to be torn off of her.

Then Hojo spies the hastily scribbled note next to the red vest.

I have taken your girlfriend, man.

You won't be seeing her again.

Unless you have money…

But she's mine, oldie! Okay!

-D (the rest of the name is ripped off...)

"Aeris is kidnapped?! My plans will be ruined! I must get her back…" Hojo sits down on a near-by chair, plotting.

Cloud walks into the Highwind and un-tapes everyone. Cid goes for the controls, but Vincent hand-cuffs him.

"DRUNK DRIVING IS KING FUN!" Cid jumps up.

"It's unhealthy and hazardous to everyone on land or air." Vincent sighs, as he chains Cid to a railing.

"Since Cid, our un-official leader, is KO'd right now, I will appoint me, The Great Thief Yuffie, as new leader and commander of the group and the Highwind!" Yuffie triumphantly shoots her hand up, and jumps with delight. "OK!" She speaks with pure determination to rescue Tifa and Aeris… mixed with a little bit of wanting to steal material. "Now then! I think we should go to the Temple of the Ancients! Aeris might be there, and maybe Tifa thinks the same!"

"Tha Temple ain't there no more – remember?" Cait Sith inputs.

"She'll still be there! At the hole where the Temple was – I'm ALWAYS right!" Yuffie takes the wheel and flies towards the Temple of the Ancients, determined to prove her hind-sight.

Cloud pats Yuffie on the shoulder. "We should try the Gold Saucer… Aeris liked it there."

Red XIII scratches his ear with a hind-paw. "Remember Cloud – most of Aeris' previous memories are erased – she called Hojo 'Father'… I think we should try the Temple of the Ancients first."

Yuffie nods. "And **BESIDES**! **I'M** the one in **CHARGE**, and no one** ELSE** is, so **I **make the decisions 'round here!"

Vincent shifts his eyes around, knowing what Yuffie will do once he speaks. "Yuffie… we seem to be going at an extremely slow pace…"

"**BECAUSE**," Yuffie's patience waning, "**I** get **MOTION-SICKNESS**!"

"**YOUFFY'S A SCAIRED OV CLOWDS! AND… AND FLYIN' BAIRDS **(birds)**! HEHEHEEHEYHEYHAWHOHOHOOOOO!**" Barret smiles in glee.

"**NO I'M NOT!"** Yuffie shouts at Barret, turning a red-ish green… **"ANYWAYS, _YOU_ CAN'T EVEN COUNT TO _TEN_, BARRET!!"**

"**YES AH CIN! WUN… TOO… FHREE… FHAIVE… FOHR… AYTE…SEVIN… NAHN… SUX… UH… SAX… SEEX?!"**

"Barret!? Gross!" Yuffie looks stunned, being touchy about the word 'sex' (kind of like how everyone giggles in sex-ed).

"Anyways, we seem to be at the Temple of the Ancients." Red XIII stretches, his back arching inwards, and then straightens out.

Yuffie, glad to be on land, opens the door, pulls out the ladder, rushes out, and hugs the ground in relief. Then she hastily gets up before anyone sees her, and brushes the dirt off of her clothes.

"Vincent, stay heah with Sid." Cait Sith bounds out, Cloud and Red XIII behind him.

"Look! There's a cottage over there." Cloud points to Hojo's temporary living residence.

**"WEILL DUH, IT'S A COWTAGE! MEBEH THEAH'S DONUTS AND HAWTDAWGS IN THEA, LIKE THA COWTAGE EIN HANSYL AN' GRETYL! C'MON! AH'M HUUUUNGRY! RARRAWR!"** Barret thumps his chest, guerrilla like, in challenge. Then he randomly claps three times.

"Maybe Aeris is in there!" Yuffie rushes to the cottage, in genuine concern for Aeris. Inside, she runs into Hojo – quite literally - and they both fall to the floor. "Hey! Watch where your going, buster!"

Cloud nudges Red XIII. Good thing Vincent stayed onboard . Red XIII doesn't respond. Cloud speaks up for him. "Hojo! Where is Aeris?!"

Hojo smiles wickedly, a common thing these days. "Aeris? Hahaha…. ahem there's nothing you can do to me, because _I_ don't _have_ your precious flower girl! Hahaha!" Lightning streaks the cloudless sky. "Look for yourself if you don't believe me!"

"You let Aeris get kidnapped?!" Cloud is enraged.

Barret squints at the paper, and attempts to read the note out loud. "**AH 'AVE TAYKEN YUR GURRRRL, PEIMP. YA WON' BE DOIN' HER AGEIN, UNLISS YA GOT HUNEY EET'S GUUD FER DOING IT, YE KNOW! SHE'S MAHNE, THA BROAD! WREETEN BAH ''DUMBO''!"**

Everyone, including Hojo, stares at Barret, more than a bit disturbed. Cloud clears his throat in the silence. "Uh… Barret… the note says that the only way to get Aeris back is by money, but that won't happen."

**"HEEHEEHEEE"** Barret stomps Hojo's feet with his foot. "**SO 'OJO – OW'S THA GEETAHR PART CUMIN' ALUNG?! AND 'AVE YA FOUND DA CURE FER MAHLENE'S BLIEU SKIEN CONDESHUN?!"**

"Please take your heavy foot off of my feet." Hojo calmly replies, watching Barret correspond. He then ignores Barret, and turns to Cloud. "It seems that we could use each other to get to Aeris – you with your airship transportation, and me with my _intelligence_ and wide _variety_ of powerful _connections_… to the _criminal_, Dio."

"We would never side with you!" Red XIII, who had been in the background, seething with fury at Hojo, strikes now. He lunges at Hojo's throat, aiming for the jugular vein, but Hojo pulls out a 'conveniently' brought tranquilizer gun, and tranquilizes Red XIII.

Red XIII drops like a stoned, and Cait Sith picks him up. "We math nawt like ya, Hojoh, but maybeh we culd use yer 'ehlp."

Yuffie nods, thinking of the kinds of material Hojo must carry. "But one false move, and we'll through you off the ship!"

"If you will pardon me a moment, I need to fetch my baritone." Hojo nods. Barret whoops loudly as he walks out with a case… that just might not _have_ a baritone in it.

As everyone arrives at the ship, they see Yuffie sitting on the bottom rung of the ladder. "That will be **_1_** materia per person to board ship!" She smiles as everyone hands over material.

Vincent hears bootsteps, and stands up. Cid is still chained to the railing, and now two heavy chairs and an anvil (Vincent doesn't like to chance with madmen…) Cait Sith comes into the living room that they are in, and chains a still-unconscious Red XIII to the railing next to Cid, by all four paws.

"What happened to Red XIII?" Vincent looks at Red XIII, glad to see that he is still alive by the tell-tale sign of a rising and falling chest.

"Oh, w'saw Hojo and he gawt crazy 'cause he wuz tired, and Hojo trankwilahzed him so Red wudn't hurt anywun." Cait Sith says, in his heavy southern dialect. Cloud, Barret, and Yuffie walk in the living room, Hojo in tow.

Vincent narrows his eyes at the last person. "Where is Aeris, and why are we letting _him _on board?" Vincent fingers Death Penalty in it's holster.

"**HE'S A GUNA HELP US FAHND AYRIS!" **Barret dances. "**AN' EVIN BETTAH – 'OJO BROUT HEIS GEETAHR! AH MEAN, BARRYTOWN!"**

"Well, don't trust him then. Hojo is just using us for his own selfish devices." Vincent hasn't taken his eyes off of Hojo, who is currently looking through their fridge. (Think of the Highwind as having a kitchen/living room when they enter the ship, which is below the control area)

"Me?" Hojo looks up from the vast display of meat carnage (courtesy of Barret)."I'm just as… _concerned_ about Aeris as you all are, I'm sure."

Vincent narrows his eyes some more, and sits down on the circular couch in the middle of the room.

"OKAY!" Yuffie runs upstairs, everyone but Vincent, Red XIII, and Cid following, and she hops into the driver's seat. "To the Gold Saucer we go!" The airship flares to life, and majestically glides – er… _inches_ her way to the destination.

When they arrive at the Gold Saucer, Yuffie takes out an Anti-Motion-Sickness pill, and swallows it. Ah, the wonders of modern day science…. "That's better! NOW LET'S GO GET AERIS! FORM A LIIINE! AAAAAAND – MARCH! HUP TWO THREE FOUR, HUP TWO THREE FOUR! C'MON, LET'S GO! NO SLACKERS ALLOWED!" Yuffie drills them out like a naval sergeant, wearing an army uniform that came cough out of nowhere.

"IS EVERYONE HERE?" Yuffie shouts, a serious tone to her voice.

"CLOUD HERE, MISS!" Cloud salutes.

"Cait Sith heah, mizz!" Cait Sith also salutes.

**"BAHRRET HEAH, SER! RAPORTIN' FER DOOOOODY! WHO'S WE GUNNA KILL TEDAY? FREEDY? SAMMY? LI'L JEORGE FRANKY? LET'S JUST GO KILL SUM OLD LADY! MOB GANSTAH ATTACKIN'! YEEAAH!"** Barret shoots his gun up to the sky.

**_"SIR?! I'M A GIRL!!" _** Yuffie screams at Barret. ahem "Now let's commence Operation: Gold Saucer Rescue!"

(So you guys know, I've purposely detoured Mt. Coral. Let's say that there's now a landing dock for airships! )

Hojo smiles, not knowing that Vincent, Cid, and Red XIII are onboard. (Though they don't know that he's onboard either! xD) "What they don't know, is that it's not Dio… hahaha…" He puts the Highwind into Drive, and flies away happily ever after. No. Actually, he DOES put the Highwind in Drive, but the fanfict is not over, so he just flies away, Vincent, Cid, and Red XIII in tow.

(This Chapter isn't that exciting, I realize that… but it leads into my next Chapter. You've realized that I've changed the Highwind, so, from the top level to the bottom, the levels in this fanfict are as follow:

Balcony - Bedrooms, Conference Room, and Chocobo Stall - Cockpit and Controls - Kitchen and Living Room.

I guess you could think of the living room as that of the 'Teen Titans'… if it helps. And I realize that I've yet to introduce Chocobos… Soon, people! Soon!

Everyone was taped to Cloud, because Lonewolf Fell and I, we have an inside joke. Ever realize, how after a little talking sequence in the game happens, that your party members all walk into Cloud and 'merge' with him? Well, we pretend that they all get duck-taped to him! xD! I just thought I'd let you know.)


	7. Showdown With Evil

**Chapter Seven**

**Showdown with Evil**

(This Chapter solely focuses on Vincent, Cid, Red XIII, and Hojo. Also, Final Fantasy 7 is not the property of me, nor to I own the pretty little 'c' symbol next to it… YY If I owned Final Fantasy 7, or anything like that, I think my works would be published… not on the internet with a couple of reviews… I would like credit for Ciderman and Count Barbiturate to go to Larkamai (me) when used, and Beerman gets credited to Taki (not on fanfiction… YET) and yeah.)

Vincent is chopping up vegetables, making a stew for dinner. He's wearing a cooking apron. It's red, and it say's Devil's Chef on it, a chibi image of Chaos floating in the corner like Cupid would, but laughing evilly. "Cid, exactly _why_ are you putting _salt_ in your beer?"

Cid, in a dangerous high of alcohol, stumbles about, salty beer in hand. "Salty good, ya! I'm a sailor of the skies! Swigger of Whiskey! Timber me whiskers! I have those, right? Ahoy, matey! HahaHAAAA!"

"Cid, you've drunk your limit. Please hand over the beer." Vincent walks up, hand extended.

"No! Never! THE BEER IS MINE! MINE! ALLLL MINE! My one… my only… my precious " (Yes, the end was a Gollum rip-off, of which I don't own.) Cid clutches the KEG to his chest, and jumps onto a counter.

"You'll _never_ get the beer,**_ Count Barbiturate! _**"

Vincent looks at Cid. "I'm not Count Barbiturate, Cid. You did this last night. And if you keep it up, then early bed to you, and no dessert." He calmly speaks – Vincent IS the babysitter, you know, so he must do with puny threats like that.

"I don't WANT cookies anyways, **_Count Barbiturate!_** Wait a second… how did you know that my alias name is Cid?!... Ah… smart, **_Ciderman_**! Yes, yes, I know your true identity… smart, actually, in posing as my other arch-nemesis. BUT NOT SMART ENOUGH!" Cid points an accusatory finger at Vincent.

Cid throws a triangular and black patch, with a crimson C on it. It lands on Vincent's shirt, and the patch merges with it. His cloak turns into a cape, and Vincent turns more chibi-fied, making a spiffy outfit – otherwise, nothing has changed.

Cid howls. "CIDERMAN! My true nemesis, come to steal TEH ULTIMATE BEER FORUMLAH! YOU SHALL NOT STEAL IT FROM I – FOR AS YOU KNOW, I BE - **_BEERMAN,_** TO THE RESCUE!"

Cid jumps up into the air, keg-grasping hand held high. He slowly swirls around, power lines radiating from him, as yet another clichéd-superhero-costume-change-sequence commences. His regular leather goggles (Not animal leather! Oo… If that makes sense) change into sleek back ones, smooth and shiny. A red cloth is snatched from a nearby table, and two ends are tied together at his neck. With a blinding flash, the tablecloth turns into a bright red cape (very similar to Vincent's…). A triangular blue patch with a black B on it flies to his chest, and it merges with his shirt and vest, transforming into a super-powered super-suit that superb super-heros wear in super-style. The final flash completes the transformation; his goggles get a fancy red trim, and gets black gloves that only go up to the knuckles.

Cid speaks in a super-hero tone. "Beerman – to the rescue!"

Vincent sighs. "Are you done yet? I need to do the laundry and prepare dinner for six."

"AM I DONE?! YOU WISH, CIDERMAN!" Cid randomly spews fire out of his hands. 'YOU SHALL NEVER TAINT THE BEER!** NEVER!" **

Vincent narrowly dodges the flames. "Cid, let's calm down before I have to use violence to stop you." Vincent jumps over another fireball, and summons some of the magic imbued in Ciderman's costume. (It's not materia, its puuuuure magic. )

"Sena Gri _SFERA!" _A green sphere of water and static envelopes Vincent, and he jumps up into the air.

"YES!" Cid cries, lightning flashing as he jumps up. "WE SHALL DEFY THE LAWS OF GRAVITY AND FIGHT TO THE DEATH! HAHAHAA!"

Hojo is sitting in the driver's seat in the Highwind, oblivious of, and one level above, Vincent and Cid's… death fight. Eyeing the keg of beer next to him, he takes some heroine chemicals instead. Fingering the controls – one with a little donut sticker on it – he flies away with the Highwind.

"YOU CAN NEVER BEAT THE DRUNKEN HIGH YOU GET FROM BEER, CIDERMAN!" Cid waggles a finger, again.

"But you can't beat the low of a hangover, Cid" Vincent castes an Alcohol-draining spell. "Sloogh Breemeh _PURG!" _

A shower of pale-gold orbs fall down on Cid in a flash, and he falls down chuckling. "Is that the best you can do, Ciderman?" Cid flies up. "**VORDEH-VENIER, DORANEH, _PARZEE!"_** A paralyzing light freezes Vincent. "**SHINAHR DEORM _POKINE!" _**Thousands of beer-bottle shards fly at Vincent, depleting most of his Huge Perseverance (HP… )

Cid jumps up to perform Beerman's Ultimate Beer Limit Break, 'Hangover'.

Beerman and Ciderman are temporarily teleported to the 'Chugging Corner', a colorful room with two chairs and a bar counter, where they will battle to stay conscious – what an exciting duel!

A jug of infinite beer is placed in front of the contestants. An announcer speaks via hidden speaker. "Ooooookay! First to chug all the beer wins …On your mark …get set …GO!"

Vincent and Cid start chugging rapidly – its an equal match, sip for sip. That is, until Beerman uses his incredible Chuggin' Powah to chug all the beer… infinite amount that it may be.

"We haaaave a winner – Beerman! Ciderman is forced to get the loser's death penalty – a KO!"

Now back in the living room of the Highwind, Vincent totters around a moment. He falls onto his knees, hands extended. One arm clutches his stomach, his face a mixture of pain and agony. kuh kuh He coughs a few times, coming up with nothing, except blood that is trickling out of his mouth on the side. kuh kuh Little portions of blood spill out, splattering the blood-littered carpet. kuh Vincent falls to the floor, the ground seeming far away as he blacks out.

_-Hahaha… He has no more defenses left… Chapter Seven, and I'm free at last! Hahaha!-_

An invisible wave of evil ripples in the room, and the air thickens… if that makes any sense.

Little mounds grow at Vincent's shoulder blade, ripping through his costume. He screams as skin slowly peels away to reveal a shadowy black layer of demon skin underneath. When the skin peels away at the little mounds, the mounds burst, free of restraints, growing three feet tall. They open to reveal fearsome black wings, four feet long each, with tiny spikes at the tips – and all this happened within mere seconds.

Blood drips from the wings onto Vincent's back. He hasn't stopped screaming.

His arms and legs grow muscular, and his fingernails merge with his flesh. They stretch far out, sharp and pointed at the end, to produce a hand with sinful claws attached to elongated fingers. The same happens with his feet, but one claw grows at the heel, tearing the shoes off and turning them into scrap metal.

The Ciderman uniform is ripped to shreds as the scaly skin shines in the light. A long tail grows out of the hardened black skin-, snaking its way out, and a row of needle-like spikes mature, growing from tail tip to neck.

Vincent still screams, a scream with infinite agony and pain.

Vincent's hair abruptly falls down to the floor, as if chopped by Masamune, revealing more demon skin. His eyelids are forcefully closed as the not yet hardened black goop (that will become demon skin) slides over them. It covers his face and mouth, eyes, and neck. The ears travel up Vincent's body, and develop into twisted demonic horns at the top of his head.

The scream abruptly stops – as if Vincent's throat were sliced.

Blood flowing down its body, it gets up. It bars its teeth, showing rows of jagged knife-like incisors. Blood red eyes, a feral and predatory look to them, snap open and observe the surroundings.

Enter the demon within Vincent – Chaos!

Cid backs away in pure fear. "C-Ciderman? A-Are you alright…?"

Chaos flexes his muscles and smiles wolfishly. "**So long since my muscles have been flexed, since my wings have flapped… since I've eaten _flesh."_**

Chaos spreads its wings and launches into the air. Its claws elongate for battle, and it slashes at Cid's chest. Blood seeps onto his clothes, and Cid stares wide-eyed at Chaos.

Then Cid gets angry. "I AM BEERMAN! VODKA WILL BE MIIIIINE!" He then proceeds to using a flurry of attacks on Chaos.

Chaos laughs. "A human? You won't stop me with _those_ kind of attacks!" Chaos swings its tail at Cid and knocks the wind out of him. It then head butts him and slashes again.

All of a sudden, a red blur attacks Chaos, sinking teeth and claw into its demonic flesh.

"Red XIII!" Cid shouts in relief.

Yes, Red XIII it is, free from his shackles!

"Are you able to continue, Cid?" Red XIII casually asks as limit break –induced flames engulf his body. Cid nods, glowing red himself.

"COSMO MEMORY!"

"VALIANT VODKA!" The two friends, human and beast, tooth, claw, hand, and beer bottle, fight the evil that Vincent has become.

Chaos roars in agony, and it falls to the ground, claws and wings disappearing. The horns too, go away, and the demonic skin dissipates. The unconscious form of Vincent, still clothed, (thank goodness) lies on the ground. Blood seeps from his torn body onto the ground, a pool of sin, and the 'C' patch falls off.

"Is he dead?" Cid pokes Vincent, finding out that he is not. "How does he still have his clothes on? They were ripped to SHREDS earlier on!"

"Hm…" Red XIII walks up to Vincent. "Probably a spell casted to protect his modesty and dignity… Intriguing."

Cid tears off the 'B' patch, and the residues of Cosmo Memory vanish. "We saved Vincent… no, the damn WORLD! Hell! A damn feast to the victors! C'mon, Red XIII!" Cid races to the fridge, paw steps close behind him.

(R&R! Hope you like this… took me FOREVER with Christmas and all… Thank you Fell! And I don't own FF7 or anything like that.)


	8. Gold Saucer Rescue!

**Chapter 8**

**Operation: Gold Saucer Rescue!**

(I do not own Final Fantasy or any of its characters.)

(If you remember, in Chapter 6, Yuffie, Cloud, Cait Sith, and Barret went in the Gold Saucer in the hopes to find Aeris and Tifa, captured by the mysterious 'D'. Hojo, on board the Highwind with Vincent, Cid, and Red XIII, stole the Highwind and flew away…)

Commander Yuffie and Privates Cloud, Barret, and Cait Sith run up to the entry of the Gold Saucer. The privates form a line, shoulder to shoulder, and Yuffie shows a lifetime pass to the man in a Chocobo suit at the door.

"Enjoy your stay at the Gold Saucer!" The man waves, losing balance and falling on his bottom.

"TROOPS… MARCH!" Yuffie raises one hand, pivots around, and marches inside.

"Permission to speak, ma'am!" Cloud shouts, saluting.

"PERMISSION GRANTED, PRIVATE!" Yuffie faces him.

"I suggest that we go to the Battle Coliseum first, ma'am!"

"THEN WE'LL GO! COME ON YOU LAZY CHOPS! WE HAVE TWO PRIVATES TO RESCUE TODAY, AND WE WON'T FAIL, NOT ON MY WATCH!" Everyone follows Yuffie as she hops through a pipe.

Appearing at the Coliseum, they rush into the museum, finding it empty.

"Err!" Yuffie stomps the ground in frustration. "DIO! WHERE ARE YOU?"

"Dio?" A muscular man wearing a green toga walks in. "I'm Himcules, and I saw where Dio went."

"HERCOOLEEES! YOU'S A GURL OR A GUY WEARIN' A DRESS! HAHAHAA!" Barret laughs with glee.

"HIMcules, not that sissy HERcules!" Himcules tries to keep calm, smoothing the wrinkles in his toga. Fingering his long blonde hair, he challenges the group. "…I'll tell you where Dio is if you beat me in a battle.

"Deal!" Yuffie looks at Dio, eyeing him and his odd clothes hard. "Cloud, you're up first!"

Cloud grins, trying to incorporate some bravado, but only succeeding in looking like a kindergartener with year old candy in hand. He also tries to sound cool by issuing a threat, and Cloud also fails at that.

"You think you're _man_ enough to face me?"

Himcules smiles. "I'm not a wussy with my head up in the _clouds_, then again, I don't have a chocobo's ass on my head!"

Yuffie quietly says to Barret, "Not bad… though I've seen better insults. WAY better."

Himcules, with an array of bracelets and necklaces that serve as odd weapons, lunges at Cloud, grinning mischievously. Cloud lunges back to meet him, everyone else standing at the door of the small room as the fight unrolls.

Cloud dodges the initial attack, going past Himcules and slicing at him with his Nail Bat, but fails to avoid a chain of beads wrapping around his neck and choking him. His eyes bulge out and he makes odd chocking noises. As he writhes on the floor like a slug, he kicks the forgotten Nail Bat, which digs itself deep inside Himcules' leg.

Himcules _squeals_ in more pain, blood flowing from his light gash and onto Cloud's blade below, and he lets go of the chain. After freeing himself from the girly beads of cootie doom, Cloud uses his only weapon left – his Chocobo ass hair – impaling it in Himcules' chest.

Himcules gasps, falling to the floor. "Mommy…" He whimpers. "Okay, okay, you win! Dio is at the Haunted Hotel! But don't tell my big bro about this… Hercules has his make-up sources!"

Yuffie looks at the tom girl with more that a little disgust in her eyes. She looks at the guys, all of whom are talking about motorcycles (having forgotten the dying Himcules), and decides that secrecy is essential for this mission, not stupidity. And there's only one thief good at secrecy…

Determination for freeing her friends in her mind, Yuffie races into the portal to the Haunted Hotel, oblivious to all around her. Something doesn't feel right, a heightened sixth sense, but she approaches the hotel. Opening the door, she walks into the lobby. –_Something's not right…- _Upon further looking, she discovers that there are no employees behind the counter, no sound effects, …no game-play music.

Then it starts. Trail of Blood by Nobu Umatsu(?). The music that plays when people's carcass litter a building, blood trailing on the ground and smeared on the walls.

Yuffie turns back to leave, but then remembers Aeris and Tifa, and how they might be suffering under their captors. For the first time in her life, Yuffie commits a noble act, walking up the stairs and to the next level. Her guess is right. Blood smears the walls and trails the ground, but what Yuffie isn't prepared for are the mutilated corpses. Nausea overcoming her, Yuffie falls to her knees, hands clutching her chest, and she heaves.

Wiping the vomit from her mouth, Yuffie decides she must try to save her comrades, if it's not too late.

"Dammit… why am I doing this? I could just run away, escape, and live… No! I'm not going to run away from this! I'm going to be brave, prove myself! …And enough of the pep-talk-to-self – I have to get going!"

Yuffie gets up, the stench of dead bodies filling her nostrils, and she holds back the urge to throw up nothing – for everything that was in her stomach is on the floor.

Walking past the bedrooms that they once stayed in, before Aeris died and was then brought back to life, Yuffie tries to block out the blood, proceeding to the next level. At the end of the hallway, she finds a recognizable body.

"Dio…" She runs up to him, and finds him barely alive. "Dio! Where are Aeris and Tifa!"

Dio looks at her weakly, having been stabbed more than 30 times. "…You're …Yuffie. Haven't seen you in weeks. …Haven't seen Aeris… or Tifa… either. A tall black man killed me… his man is in Midgar…"

Yuffie looks at Dio, sensing that time is slipping away. "Dio, who is the man in Midgar?"

"…His name? It… it's D-" Dio shudders, gasps, and dies.

Yes. I just pulled off a clichéd character-dies-before-revealing-plot-information… sorry.

Yuffie hears a footstep behind her, and she whirls around, whipping out her Shuriken, only to face Vincent.

"Vincent! W…what are you doing here? I thought you were on the Highwind!"

Vincent walks up. "Hojo tried to steal the Highwind. I brought the Highwind back and came to help find Aeris and Tifa."

Yuffie grits her teeth. "So Hojo was just using us for the Highwind! Where is he now!"

"Bound up and gagged in the bathroom. Cid's on board incase he escapes."

Yuffie looks at Vincent in disbelief. "Why didn't you leave Red XIII on board!"

"Because Vincent is drunk."

"Oh….Well, Dio died. He said a 'tall black man' killed hijm, and that 'his man is in Midgar'. He didn't have the time to tell me who the man is, but his name also starts with a D."

Vincent closes his eyes – whether the news is new to him or not, Yuffie can't tell. "Well, it seems we head back to Midgar, source of all problems."

Yuffie nods. Suddenly, she realizes that they are standing at a window overlooking the cemetery. She also sees Cait Sith, Cloud, and Barret trying to spy on them from the ground. "H…HEY! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING DOWN THERE?"

Barret whoops with glee. "YOU AND VEENCEENT AR GOIN' OUT, LAHK BOYFREEN AND GURLFREEN! HEEHEEHEE! YOUFFIE AN' VEENCEENT, SEETING EN A TWEE! KAY-AH-ESS-ESS-AH-"

"SHUTUP!" Yuffie shoves Vincent out of the window in her rash anger. As he falls out, his and her clothes get tangled together, and Yuffie is pulled out too. Managing to free herself, Yuffie puts herself over Vincent, clinging to his cape. "Can't you turn into a bat and land us safely!"

"I can't turn into a ba-" Vincent doesn't finish his sentence (as per usual), because at that moment, he slams into Cait Sith. With Cait Sith's amazing Moog-doll powers, Vincent and Yuffie are launched into the air, similar to a trampoline. They crash with a much softer thud than had Cait Sith not been there.

Yuffie scrambles up, 'accidentally' kicking Vincent's leg. "Hmph! We're going to Midgar everyone! Dio wasn't the kidnapper! …And I'm NOT dating Vincent!"

The guys leave Yuffie alone, instead giggling behind her back as they all retreat to the ship. Vincent sighs. Life as usual.


End file.
